OOO Donuts!

As my friend so aptly reminded me this week, I've only written three posts in March. I realize that I've been slacking, but it's because I'm not working! While I was at work I wanted to futz around, so I had a reason to post all the time. But now that I'm not working, I have all sorts of other ways to waste time, like by watching movies and playing fantasy baseball. Okay, obviously I'd still be doing fantasy baseball at work, but still. Anywho, for all my loyal readers, I humbly beseech your forgiveness on this, the day of my daughter's wedding, uh, I mean at this holiday season (See "Family Guy," season two, episode 16, "There's Something About Paulie"). I'll try to do better. It's my new year's(?) resolution.

Az, as everyone knows, I'm not only anal about grammar, I'm also really good with standardized grammar tests. Hold on, lemme break my arm patting myself on the back for a sec. Ah, there we go. Anyway, so I got a perfect score on the SATII Writing exam, and even back in high school, they made everyone in the entire grade take the same grammar test, and I got the highest score with a 98.5. What happened to the other point and a half, you ask? I still claim the teacher made a stnank. Whatever, who cares? Ehenyway, today I received a request for to bring, and I quote, "wine or grape juice and fruit?" for a Shabbos meal. Az even though I completely understood the request, I had to be the consummate mathematician/grammarian and responded, "I assume that's (wine or grape juice) and fruit." Another words, in order to determine exactly what was requested of me, I reverted to the old school Order of Operations. I thought that was sufficiently nerdy of me. I was quite pleased.

Az I was recently having a conversation with a certain acronymably delightful young lady about donuts. Just as an aside, during the course of this conversation, she asked me what kind of donut I would be if I was one, az I replied that I would be a glazed cream filled: all smooth and shiny on the outside, and all sugary sweetness on the inside. Ehehenyway, I just finished a book called "Beyond Numeracy," by John Allen Paulos. Basically it's just a collection of short essays on various topics in mathematics, ranging from Calculus to humor. In the entry on topology, he explains that a coffee cup is topologically equivalent to a donut. Another words, without tearing the donut, you could theoretically stretch it to resemble a coffee cup. I thought that was a nice way of explaining a relatively esoteric topic. Just to reinforce my coolty, allow me to explain the difficulty I had with this book. In one of the entries, he discusses Fermat's Last Theorem as being one of the greatest unsolved mysteries in mathematics. I immediately went to check the copyright date on the book, and to my immense chagrin, I saw that the book was published in 1991, a full three years before Fermat's Last Theorem was proved by Andrew Wiles. I don't think I can read a math book containing modern topics that was written before 1994. I just find it weird is all, unsettling... Wow, that's two references to the same part of the same Strong Bad e-mail two posts in a row; I'm starting to get repetitious. I'll try to mix it up next time; I'm a bit out of practice. Yep, that was two sentences in a row with semi-colons.

S'more Quotes that I Really Like

'Member a coupla posts ago, I transcribed that conversation from "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?" Well I put that up as an away message along with a similar conversation from later in the movie. Harry tries to turn the tables on Gay Perry by correcting his grammar the same way that Harmony corrected his earlier on:

Perry: Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.
Harry: Bad.
Perry: Excuse me?
Harry: Sleep bad. Otherwise it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...
Perry: What, f**khead? Badly's an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Get out. Vanish.

Another words, if any of you try to get above yourselves and correct my grammar, you'll probably screw up, az don't even bother.

So one of my friends saw the quote in my away message, and he said it reminded him of a scene from the movie "With Honors." The following exchange takes place between Joe Pesci's character and a professor:

Simon: Which door do I leave from?
Professor Pitcannon: At Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions.
Simon: Well in that case, which door do I leave from, asshole?

I immediately put that up as another away message. Oh, it's a mere coincidence that both of those quotes have inappropriate language. As many of you know, I am in staunch opposition to filthy language of any kind, especially here. This is a family progrum. Anyway, I was inspired to put up these quotes because of a conversation I was having with a certain super heroine about apple pie. As everyone knows, I make the best apple pie this side of the East River, and I've recently been able to increase my output by purchasing an apple peeler/corer/slicer. I said that it was safer for me to use one of those than to use a knife because I'm no longer allowed around sharp things. This reminded me of a quip from "Whose Line is it Anyway" involving Wayne Brady, Drew Carey and the inimitable Ryan Stiles:

Drew: I'm giving you 1000 points for the zippers on your pants. What's that about?
Wayne: It's my tribute to Michael (Jackson)!
Drew: Hey, we should all get zippers on our pants if Wayne's gonna have 'em.
Ryan: They don't let me around zippers.

If any of you haven't seen the show, check out some episodes on peekvid.com. It's finally back up!

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Today I watched "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," a highly underrated comedy/action/mystery starring the underrated Robert Downey Jr. In a scene early in the movie, we have the following exchange between Downey Jr.'s character and his love interest:

Harry: I feel badly...
Harmony: Bad.
Harry: Bad? Sorry?
Harmony: You feel bad.
Harry: Bad?
Harmony: "Badly" is an adverb. So to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.

What a brilliant discussion! Nonetheless, Harry ends up getting the girl. Is that the secret to how it's done? I didn't know correcting grammar was an aphrodisiac. All I need to do is start correcting every girl's grammar and they'll be throwing themselves at my feet! (assuming I give them a thorough scrubbing beforehand.) Especially if I looked like Robert Downey Jr.... wait, is he cute? (did you notice the period for the "junior" abbreviation followed by the ellipsis? Yes, that's right, there were four dots there.) I don't think so. I'm more of a Jude Law man, or Josh Holloway. Speaking of which, my buddy mentioned his top five female celebrities to me last week, az I think I need to come up with my own top five. I'll work on that this week. One thing that definitely won't be on my top five? Dry T-shirt contests (absolutely no H2O! See SB e-mail #133, Bottom 10). Hmm, I might have set a new record in parentheses usage; that was my third pair. Sounds like an ancient Greek hero, doesn't it? And Parentheses smote the Kerrek, and all was laid to burnination! (See SB e-mail #62, Interview). Okay, that's just about enough of that. Monster.com here I come!

Sorry, One Last Thing

I know I said I finished Bill Simmons's book yesterday, which is true, but at the time I wrote those words yesterday I actually still had a few pages left. Az this is really going to be the final word. While discussing Boston's signing of Josh Beckett, he quotes Jack McKeon, "this guy has got the guts of a burglar." Then Simmons says in his own words, "I don't even know what that means, but I'm excited." What a fantastic nickname! Allen Iverson is "The Answer," Karl Malone is "The Mailman," Gary Carter is "The Kid," and now Josh Beckett can be "The Burglar." I love it for a couple of reasons. a) The word "burglar" is an extemely funny word. The "rgl" construction makes for high comedy. More on funny words in a minute. b) I always associate the word "burglar" with the Hamburglar from the McDonald's family. Also, Bilbo Baggins is commonly referred to as a burglar by Gandalf and the dwarves in "The Hobbit." Az this goes back to the nickname post. I still haven't come up with anything for myself, but "The Burglar" is a really good one. I'm gonna keep working on it.

Now onto the inherently funny word buisness (not misspelled, see SBe-mail #104, Theme Park). Most inherently funny words have some sort of inappropriate overtone or at least sound like they do. Examples of such words are: derriere, masticate, jiggery-pokery, thespian, and hormone. Other ones just sound funny because of the letters, like: tomfoolery, kerfuffle, kumquat, fisticuffs, and callipygian (If you look up "callipygian" you'll see that it means "having beautifully proportioned buttocks" as in "the quest for the callipygian ideal." Ladies, get to work.) I'm investigating some websites to find other funny words. Here's what else I got: cromulent, bonkers, crapulence, gubernatorial, phloem, polywog, platypus, whirligig, hootenanny, brouhaha, malarky, smarmy, fulcrum, nincompoop, bamboozle, cheese, penal, barnacle, garbanzo, rutabaga, doppelganger, fork, egg, duty, trousers, fondle, squeegee, flibbertigibbet, sasafras, gerbil, doohickey, syphylis, ointment, flan, and noodle. If anyone has any comments about this endless enumeration of entertaining expressions, feel free to add to the list. Until next time, help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered. Heh, add "neuter" to the list.

Favorite of All Time

So this post will be similar to the last post in that both are inspired by Bill Simmons's book, "Now I Can Die in Peace," and both have to do with how we view athletes. (On a side note, while I was at Random McRandom's apartment for dinner on friday night, I skimmed through a bit of the aforementioned "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves," which had been minding its own business on her living room table. I noticed the chapter about apostrophes, and concluded that I didn't realize how many people screw them up. Notice above where I use the word "Simmons's." Since "Simmons" is a proper noun, you must put an apostrophe-S to make it possessive. If, however, I wanted to refer to the Sports Guy and Gal as a unit, I would pluralize them and say "the Simmonses." If I wanted to make them possessive, I would have to write "the Simmonses's house." I know it's absurd, but that's the way it is. Oh, and Random McRandom, at whose apartment I ate on friday night, and I are inextricably linked since we both have a blog. You can check her out, I mean check hers out at http://mabakankan.blogspot.com. I haven't read it yet, but I'll try.) In the second part of the book, Simmons recounts a story about how his buddy Gus, who had Tom Seaver spend time at his house, got to catch for him while Tom was considering making a comeback with the Mets in the early '90s. Bill wants us to understand what was going through his friend Gus's mind while this was going down: "Pick your favorite athlete of all time, then imagine that entire sequence of events somehow unfolding with you and that athlete." Now, I'm trying to imagine being in that situation, but who would the athlete be? I'm trying to create a set of rules for selecting a favorite athlete, and I think I've been pretty thorough.
Disclaimer: Instead or typing "he or she" and "him or her" and "his or her" all the time, I'm just going to use the masculine pronouns. I fully approve of women engaging in sports, and everyone is free to select Sheryl Swoopes or Annika Sorenstam or Danica Patrick for their favorite athlete. Ok, here goes:

1. The athlete must have played for your favorite team for at least a few years, or at the very least made a large impact on your team over a shorter period of time. For example, Arizona Diamondbacks fans are allowed to select Randy Johnson as their favorite player because even though he was there for a short time, he helped them win the World Series.
2. You must have liked the athlete from the beginning of his career. He did not necessarily need to start his career on your team, but you must have liked the athlete even before he arrived to play for you. For example, Mets fans are allowed to select Carlos Beltran, but only if they followed his career in Kansas City from its early stages. Bandwagon jumpers will not be tolerated here.
3. This rule applies not only to favorite players, but also to favorite teams. You cannot choose your favorite player based on anything tangible. You can't say "Albert Pujols is my favorite player because he hits 500 foot home runs," or "Orel Hershiser was my favorite player becase he pitched 59.2 consecutive scoreless innings," or "the Mets are my favorite team because my house is geographically closer to Shea Stadium than to Yankee Stadium." What would happen if those criteria stopped applying? What if you moved to the Bronx? What if Hershiser's record was stricken because of a technicality? This is the same for any kind of love. Saying, "I love my wife because she is a smokin' hottie," is foolish for obvious reasons. There can't be a reason you love someone or something. You love your team just because. You can't explain it; it's a sensation you feel deep inside your very soul. It's not even a consious decision you can make. You know you love a team when everything they do affects you. It's the ones you love who can cause you the most pain. To explain this point, allow me to quote Simmons from later on in the book: "Twenty minutes after the Yankees eliminated the Red Sox, I called my father to make sure he was still alive. And that's not even a joke. I wanted to make sure Dad wasn't dead. That's what it feels like to be a Sox fan. You make phone calls thinking to yourself, 'Hopefully, my dad picks up, because there's at least a five percent chance that the Red Sox just killed him.'" You live and die by your favorite players and your favorite teams; you can't help it.

With these thoughts in mind, I need to decide who my favorite player is. I can't come up with a list of players I like and then narrow it down; I need to look deep within myself and let my emotions decide for me. I realize that my mind already knows who it is, but it's keeping its thoughts to itself for the time being. It might be Wayne Chrebet, who left his heart out on the field every time he put on the green and white, and gave me a concussion every time he got one. It might be David Wright, who looks like he won the lottery every time he strolls out of the dugout, because he knows he gets to play baseball for a living. He might not even be on any sports radar yet, because he's only 11 years old. It might not even be fair for me to have a favorite player yet, because I'm only 24, and G-d willing I have 60 more years of watching sports ahead of me. For now, I'll continue to watch the players I like, and hopefully the moment will come when I know who my sports hero is.

Potential Hero

Ok, I'm probably exaggerating about his being a potential hero, but Ken Tremendous is definitely a man after my own heart. Since their website firejoemorgan.com is so outrageously awesome, I've been looking through their archives. I was reading the comments for one of their posts when I came across this gem from Ken:
'KT:
Actually, I didn't write any of the above except for "No idea who wrote this, but it's something:"

Rest assured, I would never, EVER, use the word "less" in place of the word "fewer."'

If anyone can't figure out why he is a man after my own heart, please go give yourself Tommy John surgery or something. And then read my blog.

Heroes

So, yesterday I started reading "Now I Can Die in Peace" by Bill Simmons, aka. The Sports Guy. I can foresee that I will make numerous references to this book for the next week or two, because Bill is hilarious, and I love sports. Had I been writing a blog when I read "Moneyball," the same thing would have happened. I mean, all I could talk about while I was reading moneyball was Scott Hatteberg (sole member of the most potent lineup in baseball), Kevin Youkilis (the Greek God of Walks), and Jason Giambi. I tried not to talk about Scott Kazmir a lot because every time he was mentioned in the book, and subsequently on SportsCenter, I died a little inside. I guess this also happened while I was reading a couple of books about e, Pi, and the Golden Ratio, but I won't regale you with those tales of suspense because my purpose here is not to put you to sleep. Although, there was this time I was discussing the theory of Special Relativity as described in Brian Greene's "The Elegant Universe," and someone actually asked me to explain it to her again, but that was a statistical anomaly.
Anyway, moving right along, all I've read thusfar of Simmons's book is the prologue, and already it's begun to have an impact on my life. On page 14, Bill explains how he almost became a Mets fan in 1985 because he moved to southern Connecticut as a result of his parents' divorce, the Red Sox had just given away his childhood hero (Fred Lynn), and the Mets had a solid core of young talent (Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden, etc.). This innocent statement got me thinking about who my childhood heroes were, and who my heroes are today. It's only natural for a boy to embrace his favorite sports players as heroes, especially because they seemed to truly play for love of the game and not for the exorbitant contracts for which they play today. When I became sports fan at the age of five in 1987, it was also natural for me to embrace the players on my team as my heroes. But looking back, would it be fair for me to call Darryl Strawberry my childhood hero? When my parents set my bedtime at 8:00, I was always praying that the Mets would get a runner on base in the first inning, so Darryl would get an at-bat before 8:00. 1988 was a magical year for the Mets, who finished with the best record in the National League and lost an epic seven game series to Orel Hershiser and the Los Angeles Dogders, who then went on to defeat the Oakland Athletics in the World Series. When the Dodgers exploded for six runs to start the seventh game of that series, I really cried. The only other time I can remember crying because of a sports-related event was in 1999 when my New York Jets lost the AFC championship game to the eventual Super Bowl champion Denver Broncos. But back to my point; who were these misfits who captured my heart in the mid/late 80s? Were they my childhood heroes? What is a hero? According to Dictionary.com, a hero is "a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his/her brave deeds and noble qualities." In what way is an athlete a hero? I guess you could call Lance Armstrong a hero for overcoming incredible odds and inspiring millions of people across the globe. But Darryl Strawberry was certainly no hero. He was a tall, thin man who was gifted with the ability to swing a wooden stick well. Was Fred Lynn a hero? Was Babe Ruth a hero? Is Barry Bonds a hero? I want to think of someone whom I can embrace as a hero, someone who embodies all the characteristics I admire. First, I need to determine what these characteristics are. I think the biggest indicator of someone with heroic qualities is someone who's approval I would strive to seek. I need to consider this carefully. If anyone wants to describe a hero of theirs, just so I could know some sample responses, that would be terrific.

Oh, and as a side note, in order to maintain the grammatical integrity of my site, my brother added another comment to the Thanksgiving post, so that below the post it said "2 comments." So, if anyone wants to respond to my Heroes post, please put two up there if you're the first. Gracias.

1 Comments

So my friend was reading my ridiculous post, and as he was scrolling down the page he noticed that below the "Observing Thanksgiving" post was printed "1 Comments." I was so excited about this for a few reasons. Firstly, it strengthens my claim that when it comes to grammar, the blogger people have absolutely no idea what's flying. Another words, when I sue them for removing a space each time I put a period, the only way they'll get off is with an insanity plea. I mean, anyone who can't program their websites to correct such a simple error as "1 Comments" must have a few gears loose. Secondly it provides an extremely smooth segue into talking about one of my favorite Strong Bad e-mails, which makes fun of the very same thing. Now, I mentioned e-mail #122 earlier when I was expounding on the "another words" phenomenon, but this e-mail has so much more good stuff in it. Anyway, when SB begins to describe his "dreamail" in accordance with Danny's request, the dream begins with the lappy turning on and happily declaring in her sexy, robotic voice: "Good morning, Strong Bad. You're looking prooty hot. You have one unread messages." According to hrwiki.org, this is a reference to older computer programs and answering machines that would use the word "messages" as a default and would not correct it when there was only one. Another words, the people at blogger are LAZY. The programmers, g-get some real programmers. G-get some real gloves. (See Halloween Costumes '03) There all sorts of other fun things in that e-mail. The "dreamail" he would like to receive reads as follows: "Dear Mssr. Eleganté, You left your pocketwatch in the hot tub. When will you be back to retrieve it? -128 Hot Katies" And during his response he comes up with several gems, such as: "I will triumphantly/abundantly return to the chateau for my ruby-encrusted pocketwatch. I have plans tonight, however, but I will, furthermore, heretofore, be back on morrow next. Please tell Adelaide that the poached eggs were tremendous." I really like the "triumphantly/abundantly" and "furthermore, heretofore" business. The rhyming/archaic language makes me feel all jangly. (See SB e-mail #130, "Do Over")

The poached eggs being tremendous also reminds me of the main writer for firejoemorgan.com, who calls himself Ken Tremendous. This has all the makings of the perfect nickname; it's short, self-explanatory, has alliterative qualities in that "Ken" rhymes with "men," and the word "tremendous" happens to be quite humorous. So, in homage to Ken, and in an effort to cement my legacy in the blog world, I decided that I need to come up with a nickname for myself, so I don't have to keep referring to myself as "Schmutter." So, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to send them in. Only serious responses will be considered. Another words, "Noah Croatoan," or some other such nonsense will only get a cursory glance. That was actually pretty impressive that I was able to come up with an adjective that sounded like my name so quickly. If anyone wants to know what "Croatoan" is, a link is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roanoke_Island

So last night, I watched the movie "Match Point," starring the sublime Scarlett Johannson. At one point, one of the characters asked another if he was cross. Apparently, words I thought were used only in fantasy books are also used by the British. I'm not sure how I feel about that. If all fantasy books were written using British style English, then maybe when I finally get around to starting my fantasy novel, I'll write using American English and it's treasury of idioms. I'll need to think about it. Meanwhile, I'll be back in my doghouse crying myself to sleep. Happy Thai Father's Day.

More Fun with Words

I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been entertaining myself at work with this fantastic website, which is right up my alley. It has 15 pages worth of interesting facts about words. The reason I'm posting about it now is that I'm up to the page where it discusses "uncommon double letters," which is directly related to my last post. Just a couple of tidbits before I go into excruciating detail on uncommon double letters. That last sentence is a fragment, but I'm going to leave it. Anyway, onto the tidbits:
-CONSERVATIONALISTS/CONVERSATIONALISTS is an example of a long transposal (words which are anagrams of each other). The longest "well-mixed" transposals (no more than three consecutive letters in common) are BASIPARACHROMATIN/MARSIPOBRANCHIATA (17 letters) and THERMONASTICALLY/HEMATOCRYSTALLIN (16 letters).
That's pretty cool. What else:
- Craig Kasper says GORAN IVANESEVIC (a top tennis player) may be the longest name of a relatively famous person that alternates consonants and vowels.
-In English, ignoring spaces, the longest palindrome in Morse code is INTRANSIGENCE (.. -. - .-. .- -. ... .. --. . -. -.-. .). If spaces are not ignored, the longest word is FOOTSTOOL (..-. --- --- - ... - --- --- .-..)
- Some common words which change from one to three syllables upon the addition of just one letter are: ARE/AREA, CAME/CAMEO, LIEN/ALIEN, RODE/RODEO, ROME/ROMEO, SMILE/SIMILE.
-At a dam, there is a flooddoor. The controls for the flooddoor are in the flooddoorroom. Let's say the the boss at the dam calls a meeting in the flooddoorroom. The people who go to this meeting are FLOODDOORROOMMEETINGGOERS. And James Lehmann suggests: In the flooddoorroom, there is a book, which explains how to use the controls for the flooddoor, a FLOODDOORROOMBOOK, in which all four double-O's are pronounced differently.
-SYZYGY and ZYZZYVA, when written in cursive, have five letters in a row which descend below the line. SYZYGY is also the shortest word with three Y's.
-CWM (a glacial hollow on a hillside) has the rare W as a vowel, as does CRWTH (a type of stringed instrument). Both words are in MWCD10. They are pronounced "koom" and "krooth" (rhyming with room and truth).

Ok, those were pretty cool. If my coolty was ever in doubt, I believe any of those doubts have been sufficiently squushed. Oh, btw, according to urbandictionary.com, the word "coolty" has an extremely inappropriate definition. For all those interested, the definition can be found here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=coolty
Since this is a family website, I can't state the definition here. Just know that when I used the word "coolty" I really mean the word "coolness." I just use "coolty" because in Strong Bad e-mail #115, when describing what would happen when his time capsule is found, he states: "Ooh! Then I'd put some dry ice in there so when they open it up it looks all smoky and steamy and it says a-like "froosh" when they first open it. There'll be no doubt about my coolty." Anyway, back to the uncommon double letters!
I don't understand the order they use on the website, but here goes:
HH appears in words such as withhold and bathhouse, but only in such compound words.
UU appears in words such as continuum, vacuum, and perpetuum; these are all very similar.
We already mentioned the VVs last time.
WW also only appears in compound words such as arrowwood and powwow.
All the other ones are either trivial, proper names, or extremely obscure such as Yablonovvy and jghaxxaq.
There are also several triple letters, but the only one that is not obscure is SSS, like in goddessship or countessship. Okay, that's all I got for now, but if I see some more cool jazz on that website I'll let you know. Until next time, it's back to the doghouse with me. Hameivin yavin.

Funny Word Things And Something Else

So you know how some letters should never be doubled in words? Like in the word "vacuum." There should never be two Us next to each other, because you would want to pronounce both of them, like you would want to say "vakyoo-um," because that's what it looks like. I was trying to find some words/letters, which should not exist. Here's what I found. Going back to U for a second, I found the word "squush." This is pronounced "skwush," with the U pronounced like the "oo" in the word "book." "Squush" is a fantastic word, up there with "floppy." So this whole thing got started when my friend was describing his father's lack of business sense. I recommended he use the word "savvy" instead. Two Vs should never be together like that. I didn't find any other great examples with "vv," but I'm on the lookout for other letters. "Bazaar" is a pretty good one. It's too difficult to find many others because when you search for things like "cc" online it shows you trivial words like "success" and "accentuate," while you want to find words like "soccer." Anyway, it was a fun exercise while it lasted. For some reason, while I was looking up the "aa" words and filtering through foolishness like "aardvark" and "salaam," the word "gaol" popped into my head as a terrific word. Now "gaol" is just a British way of spelling "jail," but they are pronounced the same; they are homophones. Okay, enough of this masochistic, maniacal mayhem.
I have to apologize. In one of my recent posts I mentioned some of the hilarity from this year's homestarrunner halloween costume commentary. Somehow I neglected to note the picture of the young woman wearing a hooded sweatshirt in a The Cheat pattern. Strong Bad's comments are as follows: "Hey, it's The Cheat's hot mom...dressed up as... The Cheat's hot mom! Is she giving out frozen margar-a-Cheat-as again? Ah, The Cheat's hot mom. Always in and out of prison." For some reason I didn't find that mind-bogglingly hysterical until a week or two later. Now I find myself referring to all sorts of people as being "always in and out of prison," even newborn babies and other G-d-fearing folk. I sometimes go one step further and mention conjugal visits, but you don't need to know about that. Okay, so until next time, have a happy Albanian Liberation Day!

Observing Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, THE true American Holiday. Regardless of the reason for the holiday, Thanksgiving has emerged as a holiday different from every other one in this country. It is not a religious holiday like Christmas, which has become more Americanized than intended. It is not a day observed in respect of various American groups like President's Day or Veterans Day. It is not a "Hallmark Holiday," which exists primarily for commercial purposes, like Valentine's Day or Mother's Day. It is one of the only American holidays that commemorates a particular event in our history, the other one being Independence Day. There are those that would claim that July 4th is a more American holiday than Thanksgiving, and I'm glad that there are those who would claim such, because it provides a smooth segue into my real purpose for this post.
How does one observe Independence Day? People customary gather with friends and eat burgers and dogs from the grill, and then later watch fireworks. I admit that the fireworks are a measure of observance, but how can frankfurters and hamburgers be the staple food of an American holiday when both were popular foods in Europe half a century before we ever heard of them? In this way Thanksgiving wins out over July 4th. Thanksgiving has so many truly American aspects. It begins with a parade, which is obviously not unique to this holiday, but I believe it to be a nice way to "usher in the holiday season," whatever that means. Then we get to the meat of the day; families (and I stress the word "families") get together and have a meal consisting of, but not limited to, turkey, sweet potatoes, and cranberry sauce. Now turkeys and sweet potatoes are native ONLY to North America. Another words, these are truly American foods, foods the colonists had almost certainly never seen or eaten. Next up on the agenda is football, commonly called American Football everywhere except here and in Canada. There are often basketball games played on Thanksgiving, but there is hardly a tradition. One of the teams that plays on Thanksgiving is the Dallas Cowboys, often referred to as "America's Team." Let's just say that Thanksgiving is riddled with American symbols.
People tend to disagree with me about many things, which is fine. You might disagree with my ideas from the last paragraph, which is fine. Many of you will certainly disagree with what I am about to say, but I need to jot it down somewhere, because when the topic comes up and I make my point, I often have staunch opposers who can provide no reasonable support for their opinions. Okay, here goes.
I just spent a paragraph delineating the modes of observing Thanksgiving. I'd like to transition into the observance of Jewish holidays. Most, if not all biblical Jewish holidays have observances that are clearly defined in the Old Testament. In many situations the exact particulars of the observance are left out, but the basic levels are meforash from the mouth of G-d through Moses. G-d has told us how we are to commemorate events in Jewish history and usually the reasons for each item. Since biblical times the sages have established other holidays to commemorate other events, such as Purim and the Fast of Gedalia. They decreed that certain commandments be followed in observance of these days. From off the top of my head, I can only think of one truly modern Jewish Holiday, which is not officially associated with the State of Israel, and that is Yom HaShoah, the day of Holocaust remembrance. Now since Yom HaShoah is not a biblical holiday and not a holiday established by rabbis it does not have any official observance. Many people spend the day watching Holocaust movies and hearing stories from survivors, etc. Some even accept upon themselves a fast for the day. Each person is entitled to his or her own form of observance. There is certainly no right or wrong way to do things. This past year I was invited by my friend to see a Holocaust movie and to hear a speaker. I told her that I didn't want to go because I felt that I wouldn't enjoy myself. She said that I had to go because it was Yom HaShoah, and you're supposed to be sad. This statement is categorically false. I don't feel like I need to suffer in order to commemorate those who did. Don't get me wrong, the Holocaust was a terrible event, and there are people who are still greatly affected by it. My heart goes out to those people and to their families. However, here is no biblical, or even rabbinical requirement to participate in any Holocaust related activity or event on Yom HaShoah. So next year don't bother inviting me to hear any speakers unless it's someone you genuinely think I would be interested in hearing. And if I happen to politely decline the offer, PLEASE don't make me feel bad about it. Who are you to judge?

I'm putting a double space here just so you all know that this has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the post. After I finish a post I usually read it over once it's been published just to make sure that everything is spelled correctly and the sentences are grammatically and stylistically accurate. If there are any stnanks then I fix them. This time when I went to fix something I noticed something sinister. The evil blogspotters have a built-in editor, which modifies the text of the post to fit nicely onto the web page. This time I noticed that each time I put a period there was only once space before the next sentence. This is awful, AWFUL! Almost as bad as the Jets' run defense. Since when did blogspot take over for Microsoft Word as the Guru of Grammar? Why am I bothering to put two spaces after my periods if they're just going to edit one of the spaces out? In an effort to express solidarity for our missing spaces I am going to continue to put two spaces after each period. Don't worry about it guys, I still haven't figured out which one of you gets deleted, the first or the second, but even if I do figure it out I won't tell you. I want you to know that each of you is important, and you will not be forgotten. This cold one goes out to those spaces that got sent up the river.

More Shwarma and Some Other Tidbits

So I was pretty certain of this to begin with, but it has indeed been confirmed that Grille Point shwarma is the greatest thing to hit the USA since, well, let's just say it blows sliced bread right outta the water. If only it weren't in Queens...
In other news, my friend still gets those foolish word-of-the-day e-mails from Dictionary.com. I liked them for a while, but they got old in a hurry; they were just clogging up my mailbox. Anyway, he forwarded me today's e-mail, as there was an attractive quotation at the bottom. I acually found two noteworthy quotes: "What do you get when you cross a porcupine with an alarm clock? A stickler for punctuality." The first thing I thought was to change the joke to "what do you get when you cross a porcupine with a semi-colon? A stickler for punctuation." I will now proceed to hang my head in shame.
Anyway, the other quote was: "As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler," by Calvin Triller. That was the one my friend wanted me to see. People should really be using the word "whom" more anyway. Something, a-like-a-dis-a: "With whom did you go to the movies last night?" Any time you should use the word him or her, the question should have a "whom" in it: "I went to the movies with him last night." Now go study that.
So you know when events take place and you have no control over them? For example, yesterday the Mets signed Moises Alou to a one year contract. Regardless of whether or not it's a good deal, I can't do anything about it. My response to such things is "what can you do?" I say this all the time. "The sushi is pretty bad tonight. Oh well, what can you do?" Now, my friend has a similar response to such things. His is "it is what it is." I thought long and hard about what my feelings were about this particular issue. I decided that I like it. "The sushi is pretty bad tonight. Oh well, it is what it is." As in, it (read: the sushi) is what it is (read: pretty bad). It's only good in certain situations though. I'll need to come up with a strict rule for when this is allowed. I'm gonna get to work on that. Everyone else go and be productive. Go! Git! Skedaddle! Make like a tree and go away!

Response to Shwarma Post

In my last post I ended by saying that chicken is not chicken, but shwarma is shwarma. Now, that last thing I meant by saying that is that shwarma is shwarma, which is funny because that's exactly what I said. I just want to qualify my assertion by saying that there is really no distinct flavor difference between chicken shwarma, lamb shwarma, and turkey shwarma, at least not to my untrained soft and hard palates respectively. This is not to say that all shwarmas are created equally. (Note: you can say either "created equally" or "created to be equal." Either way, "created equal" is incorrect. Thanks Honest Abe. Honestly, Abe, did you think no one would pick up on it?) Anywho, depending on whom you ask, you will get varying opinions on which is the best shwarma around. I think the largest ongoing debate, at least within my relatively small social circle, is the one between Massov Shwarma and Maoz Shwarma. Both happen to be extremely good, but let's do this debate my way, i.e. the mathematical way. Both restaurants will be judged on these categories: size, price, flavor, structure, location, fame, and options. Each category will receive a rating of one to three. For visual ease I hereby replace the string of letters "ONE" with the character "1," the string "TWO" with the character "2," and the string "THREE" with the character "3" for the remainder of the post.
Let's begin with size. Both places make a hefty sandwich. Massov charges more for their laffa sandwich due to its bigger size, but from my experience, which for this post is the only one that matters, Massov's laffa sandwich is too big to finish in one helping, and the last thing you want is old Israeli shwarma lion around. So just to be fair to those with bigger appetites than mine, we'll give them both a rating of 2.
Next we have price. The last time I had shwarma in either of those places, Maoz charged 20 shekels and Massov charged 25. I'm quite certain that even though Massov's is larger, it's not 25% larger, so we'll give Maoz a rating of 3 and Massov a rating of 2.
Ooooh, flavor. This is what it's all about. I tend to like spicier food, and even without the charif sauce Maoz'z meat has a tangier flavor. Massov's is still very good but the meat needs too many ecoutrements. Maoz gets a 3 and Massov gets a 2.
Structure is where Massov really gets a leg up. I've eaten around 50 shwarmas from Maoz and fewer than half a dozen of them have failed to fall apart. Another words, if you order from Maoz don't wear your best white shirt. The guys at Massov must have taken a course in laffa folding because they do a great job. Massov scores a 3, Maoz gets a 1.
Ahh, the 3 most important words I know, "location, location, location." Massov is located right near the Tachana Mercazit, which means if you arrive in Jerusalem on the bus you can get a shwarma right away. Also, any time you want to visit MMY, and I have, you can get a shwarma on the way, which I did. However, if you want to get to Massov from the old city you can either walk for 40 minutes or take the bus. Maoz is definitely in a prime location, on King George right around the corner from Ben Yehuda. Most likely no more than a 20 minute walk from anywhere you might be in Jerusalem except Talpiot or Har Nof. From the old city you can take the bus, a taxi or walk through the old city and then up Rechov Yafo. Score 3 for Maoz and 2 for Massov.
In terms of fame this isn't even a contest. Maoz has been around for 30 years and is known as the best shwarma place in Israel. Massov is definitely on the rise, but it still has a ways to go. Maoz 3, Massov 2.
And finally options. Massov gives you the option of Hetzi Hetzi, while Maoz does not. I don't know of any important options other than that one, so give a 3 to Massov and 2 to Maoz.
So there you have it folks. Maoz wins it 17-16. For now I'll have to survive with Golan Heights, Ali Baba, and Grille Point, all solid options. Maybe I'll discuss those next time. If I have time and I'm trading poorly, then maybe I'll do them today. Good night and good luck.

Junior

So there's this brilliant website called firejoemorgan.com, which basically makes fun of the stupid things that sports announcers/writers say/write. I was reading an old article today by Junior about an article by Murray Chass, a writer for the New York Times sports section. No offense to Murray Chass, a hall of fame writer who, coincidentally, belongs to my friend's synagogue in Fair Lawn, New Jersey, but these guys at firejoemorgan just rip into him in this article. Hilarious stuff. Chass's article is about how Mike Mussina is the reason the Yankees haven't won the World Series since 2000. There's no need to explain anything, I'll just transcribe the article. Bold type is Chass, regular type is Junior. Oh, and I'm sorry about merely transcribing funny stuff from other places; I just don't have anything funny of my own this week. Rorry.
On with the transcription!

Nothing against Mike Mussina, but he is the symbol of the Yankees’ failure to win the World Series the last six years. If George Steinbrenner is seeking a scapegoat, make it Mussina.

First off, the article begins "Nothing against Mike Mussina," but the very next sentence basically says, "Hey, f**k you, Mike Mussina."

Chien-Ming Wang, playing his first full season in the major leagues, was the Yankees’ only reliable starter this season, and he came through again in the playoff opener.

Define "reliable." In the Murray-Chass Oxford-Webster Collegiate dictionary, reliable is defined as Asian.

That left Wright as the pitcher to put his finger in the dike.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Finger in the dike.

End transciption.

OH, I hope no one noticed, but there was a truly grievous error in yesterday's post entitled "Superb." Somehow, I managed to come up with this gem of a sentence: " I realize it's been a few days since I last posted, but there's really nothing about which I feel strongly enough to write about." Nothing more needs to be said about this sentence. I am going to behave as if this never happened. I will presently correct said error so that it may be stricken from the records. Well, except here where I'm talking about it.

Reactions to The Grammar Post

A friend has just gotten through telling me that he was entertaining himself with my delightful blog. A few minutes later he told me that he thinks I should write a grammar book. To this I replied that I don't want to write a textbook because I would be unable to take advantage of the treasury of words English has made available to us. He responded that he was thinking more along the lines of the British best-seller, "Eats, Shoots & Leaves." Now, I have been planning to write the great fantasy novel for the past couple of years; I just haven't gotten around to it yet. So, I thought about my friend's suggestion and came to the following conclusion. It's highly likely that I don't know nearly as much about grammar as I think I do. If I ever read "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" I would probably learn a lot more. But then I would probably start correcting people even more than I do already. My friend says that I would become intolerable. I couldn't tolerate being intolerable. If I was really such a stickler, I wouldn't be using words such as "gonna" or "wanna" in here. I also wouldn't be using contractions; those just aren't allowed when you're writing. And then we'd start getting into arguments about punctuation, because sometimes Microsoft Word, the Messiah of grammar, allows you to comma splice when you really shouldn't be allowed. It will also let you get away with only putting one space after periods. But, oddly enough, it won't let you get away with not putting a comma before "which" when it's used as a conjunction. Bill might be a multi-kajillionnaire, but to me he's just a maniacally inconsistent grammar fiend.

On that note, by the way, just two more grammatical tidbits to get you all off the edge of your seats; I know how breathlessly you were waiting for some more.
1. When you're typing numbers, you need to type out the actual word for all numbers from zero up to twelve. Once you get to 13 you are allowed to type the numerals. And just so y'all understand the difference, the numeral "3" is merely a symbol representing the quantity "three." That's not a grammatical issue; it's a math issue.
2. The last sentence of that last tidbit provides a smooth segue into the next one. I really like using semi-colons, but they need to be used the right way. You can't merely replace a comma or a period with a semi-colon. I mean you can't have a semi-colon immediately succeeded by a conjunction. You could, in theory and in practice, put a period instead of a semi-colon, but semi-colons are far cooler. Just make sure that your second sentence is directly related to the first one; I like cheese.

Please allow me, once again, to recognize the gadlus of Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN radio. Some of the things they say really do it for me even though they might not be objectively funny. This is a fairly recent one that caught on, and they're using it fairly often, but not nearly often enough to become annoying. There has been a lot of discussion over the past year or two about the future of Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packers' quarterback, who, much like Tom Glavine, is a sure-fire first-ballot Hall of Famer. Basically, the coaches and various important members of the Packers' front office have stated at one time or another that they won't pressure Favre to retire unless he's really damaging the team. After all, "Brett Favre is Brett Favre." Mike and Mike have used this line repeatedly, which coaches make similar comments about other players. They were discussing the propensity of San Francisco 49ers quarterback Alex Smith to make mistakes in important situations. Of course he is a young player and will learn from his mistakes, but just as they were finishing the discussion, Greenberg said "after all, Alex Smith is Alex Smith, and..." and immediately after that, they played a clip of the Packers' coach saying "Brett Favre is Brett Favre." That's terrific stuff. I wish I were this clever.

Grammatical Pet-Peeves

I know everyone makes a big deal about my correcting their grammar, but seriously, inasmuch as they went out of their way to make English the most difficult language ever, we might as well repay their magnanimity by speaking it properly. And plus, it really pisses off the British when we try to do it the right way. So here's a few of my grammatical pet-peeves. They're denturific!
1. At what point in our relatively short history did we quit using adverbs? They should be a viable option when it comes to the parts of speech. The only one anybody still uses on a consistent basis is "very," and that's really the least impressive one. Not only that, but people also replace adverbs with adjectives, like "you're driving too fast!" No, I'm not; I'm driving too quickly.
2. Here's a huge one. People need need NEED to start using the word "fewer." The word "less" can only be used to describe a substance lacking in number. Par example, "you have less water than I do," but "I have fewer bottles of water than you do." "My brother has less hair than I do." "He has fewer hairs on his head than I do." It's really quite simple.
3. Everyone knows how I feel about this one. You absolutely cannot end a clause with a preposition. This is entirely inappropriate. As the great Benson & Hedges, Nextel Cup Churchill once said, "this is the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put." People screw this up so so so often (there were 3 adverbs in that sentence; they were all the word "so."). Just fix your sentences, my friends. It's really not that hard once you get used to it.
4. This one doesn't make any sense at all. The space for neologism in this language should not be filled with foolishness like the word "'nother." As in, "that's a whole 'nother story." You are allowed to say "that's a whole other story," or "that's an entirely different story." What's the big freakin' deal?!
Ok, these other ones have to do with writing and typing, but they're still really bad.
5. This one is more a still up for debate, but I'm taking a stand, like the X-Men. Whenever you type a period at the end of a sentence, you absolutely must put two spaces after it. One space just won't suffice. Even though it doesn't appear that way in my blog, since the website fixes things the way it wants to, I always have two spaces after my periods. ALWAYS. In this case, as in all cases, less is not more. Even fewer isn't more. More is more.
6. The English language has a magical word called "which." It can be used as a question; "Which way did he go?" It can also be used conjuction style, which is the one which troubles me (the second one there was a pronoun). It gives me conjunctivitis whenever I read a sentence which contains "which" as a conjunction when it is not immediately preceded by a comma, which is necessary.
6. This one is really a no-brainer, but it's still all over the place. Allow me to transcribe a ditty from the inimitable Dr. Bad's e-mail #89 entitled "Local News." In response to Dan's question, Bad sings, "If you want it to be possessive, it's just "I-T-S." But, if it's supposed to be a contraction then it's "I-T-apostrophe-S," scalawag." That pretty much says it all.
Please my friends; I wouldn't ask you to fix these things if I didn't have faith that you could. Pardon me whilst I go bring maaser sheni.

Clothes

Wanna hear something weird? CNBC is on all day at work, and I see the same newscasters day in and day out. I'm starting to notice what they're wearing. Today, Erin is wearing a burgundy jacket. It's sorta nice, I guess, in a conservative way. Her partner, I dunno who he is, is wearing a dark suit with a red tie. He used a half-windsor knot, not a full one. I'm not sure how I feel about that. At least he's not dressed the same way as the guy they're interviewing now with the ridiculous mustache. His tie looks like a torn off corner of the American flag, except they had a 6 year old draw the stars. I think I might be going crazy. I might as well embrace the inevitable, but at least I'm getting a lot funnier as I go down. Seriously, I dunno what happened but I think I got magically funnier in the past 2 weeks. Just today I was discussing certain issues always sauteeing on the gas range of my soul. That was in response to the innocent, yet potentially entertaining question, "what's cookin'?" The response to such a question can be way more interesting than the response to "what's up?" No one should every say "what's up," they should always say "what's cookin'" or "how's it hangin'" or "what's shakin'." I guess anything with an infinitive form of the verb is fine. No prepositions allowed.

Away Messages

So, what's the chochma behind away messages? Are away messages intended to provide amusement for all those maniacal away-message-checkers out there? (You know who you are) Or are they merely meant to give information about a person's current whereabouts or contact information? I subscribe to the former. I have rarely, if ever, put my phone number or location in an away message, not because I don't want people to know where I am or how to reach me, but because even if people don't know where I am, they can still reach me in the same way they would if they knew exactly where I was. Just as an aside, why is it that people insist on knowing every minute detail of other people's lives? I don't mean that people are nosy. This is better left to an example. When I call someone on the phone, aside from maybe "How are you?" or "What's up?" the first question I ask him or her will inevitably be, "Where are you?" I really couldn't say why I need to know. It will have little or no impact on the remainder of the conversation. It could be that I really don't like talking on the phone and would prefer to speak in person, in which case I'd be asking for their whereabouts just on the off chance that they're in the neighborhood. But I don't think that's it. Whatever, who cares? Oh, for those of you who were paying attention I had a little SNAFU earlier with pronoun/antecedent agreement. I just don't feel like going back to fix it. That's just my little way of sticking it to the man. Power to the people.