Clothes

Wanna hear something weird? CNBC is on all day at work, and I see the same newscasters day in and day out. I'm starting to notice what they're wearing. Today, Erin is wearing a burgundy jacket. It's sorta nice, I guess, in a conservative way. Her partner, I dunno who he is, is wearing a dark suit with a red tie. He used a half-windsor knot, not a full one. I'm not sure how I feel about that. At least he's not dressed the same way as the guy they're interviewing now with the ridiculous mustache. His tie looks like a torn off corner of the American flag, except they had a 6 year old draw the stars. I think I might be going crazy. I might as well embrace the inevitable, but at least I'm getting a lot funnier as I go down. Seriously, I dunno what happened but I think I got magically funnier in the past 2 weeks. Just today I was discussing certain issues always sauteeing on the gas range of my soul. That was in response to the innocent, yet potentially entertaining question, "what's cookin'?" The response to such a question can be way more interesting than the response to "what's up?" No one should every say "what's up," they should always say "what's cookin'" or "how's it hangin'" or "what's shakin'." I guess anything with an infinitive form of the verb is fine. No prepositions allowed.

My Trainer Doesn't Get Me and Today I Feel Like a Man

So, I told my trainer this morning that I was going to be leaving early because I can't eat all day today. So, he's a bit of a jokester, so when I told him I'd stay until like 12:30, he said he wanted to see me pass out. Obviously I knew he was kidding around so I made an amusing remark, you'll pardon the fact that I don't remember my rejoinder. He then responded, "dude, I'm kidding." I think he thinks that I think he's serious. This is a problem for me. It is important for me to know that my superiors respect my sense of humor. I feel like the only way to get ahead in these situations is to make people laugh. I know that's not really true but I'm probably not that far off.

In other news, with the start of the year 5767, I feel like I am finally a man. Yes, my friends, the day has come. I have been awarded a brand new computer monitor. Yes, I now have 2, yes TWO, TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO monitors at my office. I can now greatly increase my productivity. I can work on one monitor and futz around on the other. No day of work is complete without the requisite volume of futzing. I'm actually watching the market on one screen, and typing this on another screen. I never realized the true value of touch-typing until this day. Allow me to marvel at my own magnificence for a few short seconds before the realities of life return, at which point I am reminded that life isn't exactly quite as awesome as I sometimes think it is, but almost.

Schmutter cliches I use on AIM

So there are times when I'm talking to someone on AIM, and they'll make some kind of ridiculous assertion, and since I'm agreeable I'll say something like "suit yourself," or "have it your way," or "whatever you say." I say these things for a number of reasons. Firstly, I might use it when I feel like I don't have the intellectual ammunition to argue the assertion properly, and that's my way of disagreeing in a way in which I won't need to embarrass myself with poorly constructed defenses. Secondly, it tends to really irritate some people, especially those who like to argue.
Additionally I like to say things like "indeed," which is really a party-pooper type word. It's a good way of ending a conversation because I've added absolutely nothing to what was previously said. I'll often use this word when I don't want to talk to you anymore. But not all the time. Usually it's the people with whom I don't want to speak that think I'm using it for real and not that I want to get rid of them. They're just dead wrong and will get their comeuppance.

Shut Up

This is is a transcription of a conversation I had with my roommate at about 5:30 yesterday:
Him: "Schmutter, can I borrow your tie tonight?"
Me: "Sure, but don't you have like 19 zillion ties?"
Him: "Yeah, but I don't like any of them."
Me: "Then why do you buy so many?"
Him: "Because they're $5 each!"
Me: "Well, what would you rather have, 3 $30 ties you do like or 20 $5 ties you don't?"
Him: "Shut up, Schmutter."

This is a transcription of a conversation I had with my roommate at about 11:15 yesterday:
Him: "What? A combination?"
Me: "Oh, that sucks. Why do you keep trying it, do you know how many numeric combinations there are with 4 digits?"
Him: "I dunno, 10,000?"
Me: "Yeah, 10,000. Just call up to find out."
Him: "Got it! it was 0000."
Me: "I hate you."

Remember the post about the Big Guy pulling a fast one? Well, there you go.