Megalophobia

Want to hear something weird? I have it. Megalophobia. Fear of large things. Isn't that bizarre? Now there's not a whole lot of info online, but the few people who suffer from it are affected in different ways. Some are afraid of things that can move, such as airplanes and ships and Godzilla. But I think I'm scared of some stationary things. I probably won't be able to explain it very well, but I'll give it a try. I think the best way for me to go about this is to provide examples.

Anybody every been to the Hayden Planetarium (Rose Center)? You know when they show the moon and then they zoom in so you can see the terrain detail, etc.? Well that enormous, monstrous, terrifying circle on the ceiling of the planetarium scares the bejeezus out of me. Isn't that strange? The moon itself is not scary (although I used to be scared of it; I think I mentioned that elsewhere once), but if the moon was all of a sudden a few times larger in the sky, I would be horrified.

I was on Google Maps earlier today, and I was zooming out from some place in Japan. And when I zoomed out far enough that it became apparent that it was the islands of Japan, I got this nervous butterflies feeling in my stomach and chest.

Buildings. Buildings are scary. But not when I'm at the bottom looking up at a really tall one; I mean when there's just one big one towering over a bunch of smaller ones. And only certain views of such buildings; views where it's clear that this monster just dwarfs everything around. Like a picture of the skyline of Manhattan isn't the least bit scary, but an angled view of the Empire State building from above, like from a helicopter, would be terrifying.

Now this phobia doesn't affect my life in any meaningful way. At all. In fact, I think it makes me interesting, and maybe even sorta cute in a nerdy, me-like way. Maybe I should include some pictures. I'll give it a try.

Time to Chime In

Az we finally know who will be playing in the 2009 World Series. Phillies and Yankees, blah blah blah, sucks for Mets fans, who cares? I'm over it. It's not a big deal. Really, it's not. And anyone who says it is, is a bitter human being who hates baseball. I'm NOT here to talk about that; this is not some kind of shockumentary about a Phillies/Yankees World Series from the eyes of a melancholy metropolitan fan. Again, who cares?

Really, the point of this post, as you might have guessed, is that I hate Derek Jeter. And I think I might have pinpointed the reason. I mean I sorta knew subconsciously, but I never actually articulated it as I will right now. I've tried to explain this to a few people over the last week or two, but I don't think it went over very well, az I'm gonna give it another try here.

Before I begin, I just want to say that I still think that Derek Jeter is an outstanding baseball player, and will most likely be a first-ballot hall of famer. That being said, Derek Jeter is NOT an Olympian god. He is a man, a man who is excellent at playing baseball. He is NOT the greatest, clutch-iest, defense-iest player in the history of greatness or clutch-iness or defense-yness. The only thing he is the greatest ever at is Jeterianism.

According to urbandictionary.com:

jeterian
	1. making a play like derek jeter 2. a way of playing baseball; with class and determination and unbelievable plays and swings

He is definitely classy. He definitely plays with determination. And he has definitely been involved in some unbelievable plays and has had some unbelievable swings of the bat.

He is also way worse at baseball than Alex Rodriguez. I don't want to go through their career stats; that would be misleading and unfair, because they are different types of hitters. They basically have the same batting average and basically walk the same amount, but suffice it to say that A-Rod hits with a lot more power. But here's the thing. Everybody knows this; everyone will agree that Alex Rodriguez is a better player than Derek Jeter. And, almost to a man, everyone would rather have Derek Jeter up in a big spot than A-Rod. If you had to choose between Jeter and A-Rod for your post-season roster, 99.9% of human beings would choose Derek Jeter (I'm probably not too far off with that estimate. Maybe closer to 90%, but either way, it's up there).

The main reason for this is that people want to believe in supernatural powers. The average fan wants to believe that some professional athletes who make millions of dollars have some innate ability to perform better in big spots. This ability is what separates the stars from the bums, the Jeters from the A-Rods. In short, this ability turns normal human beings into heroes. And that's what the average fan wants to believe: that their favorite players are heroes.

The ugly little secret that most analysts don't want the average fan to know is that there's no such thing as "clutch-iness." I'm sorry to be the one to spill the beans, but there is no Santa Claus, and there are no clutch players. "But wait, Professor Schmutter! What about that home run in the world series against Kim in 2001?" Umm, Derek Jeter has 224 career home runs, not a negligible amount. He just happened to hit that one in a big spot. "But Professor, what about diving into the stands for that foul pop against the Red Sox and that play at the plate on Jeremy Giambi?" Not clutch. Good baseball instincts. Everyone will agree with that. "But all those Gold Gloves!" Undeserving. Go read some stuff on teh interweb and prepare to be pwned! Test next week.

"Ok, Professor, there's no way you have an answer for this one: what about how well Jeter has performed in the playoffs as compared to the regular season? And what about how poorly A-Rod has performed in the playoffs?" said little Mikey in the 4th row, a smug, buck-toothed grin on his pimply face. His fellow 4th row-ers sniggered and pointed at me, likely making fun of my newly purchased pocket protector protector. Little do they know that I only use mechanical pencils and the protector protector is just a fashion statement.

Well, let's just take a little look-see at some stats:

Jeter: Regular Season: .317 Batting Average, .388 On-Base Percentage, .459 Slugging Percentage

Post-Season: .308 Batting Average, .381 On-Base Percentage, .477 Slugging Percentage.

Hey, how about that! Those numbers are basically exactly the same! Nothing particularly clutch-y about that.

A-Rod: Regular Season: .305 Batting Average, .390 On-Base Percentage, .576 Slugging Percentage

Post-Season: .307 Batting Average, .408 On-Base Percentage, .570 Slugging Percentage

Well fancy that! Those numbers are basically exactly the same, dadgummit!

Sure, any idiot can have a good game or a good series, or even a good entire post-season. But eventually, when you play enough games, your post-season numbers will look exactly like your regular season numbers. Why? Because there's no such thing as clutch.

"Hold on Professor. Most of your students still look at RBI and stuff, but I'm too smart for that. Go check out fangraphs.com and check their Win Probability Added. That should show you how much more valuable Jeter is than A-Rod. He's so f-ing clutch!" Ah, Curtis in the front row. Such a cool customer. He's on the right track. Kissing up and crew-cuts are such babe-magnets.

Jeter's Post-Season WPA from 2002-2009 (sorry, no data before 2002): 0.16, 0.08, -0.25, 0.06, 0.01, -0.41, 0.00. Total = -0.35.

A-Rod's Post-Season WPA since 2004 (never made the playoffs before then): 1.27, -0.12, -0.28, -0.19, 1.34. Total = 2.02. those numbers basically mean that in 2004 and 2009 A-Rod won the equivalent of one game all by his lonesome.

You see? This is my problem. There is no disputing that Jeter is a fantastic player. I just can't stand that most fans think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I really really hope that A-Rod continues to clobber the ball in the World Series and Jeter does his usual thing. I want everyone to realize that A-Rod is an all-time great. I guess I kinda, sorta hope the Yankees win the series; I don't see what makes the Phillies so good, and Jayson Werth is really starting to bother me. But more importantly, I want the fans to discover A-Rod as a legendary player. I think he deserves some love.

Justified!

Yes, Joe Posnanski, my hero, has given one of my old arguments justification. Remember my Derek Jeter post from like three years ago? Here's what I said:

"The Yankees won last night largely because of Jeter's play. Not, I repeat, NOT because he's Captain Intangibles. Joe Morgan, Tim McCarver, Michael Kay, and all their smelly brethren do nothing but insult their hero Jeter when they refer to him as such. As a math guy, the only thing I look for to determine a player's value is his play on the field. Jeter's numbers speak for themselves. For him to be called Captain Intangibles means that there is something lacking in his baseball skills. I want to call your attention to two plays, which fans/commentators always enjoy mentioning; the flip to Posada that Jeter made on Jeremy Giambi against the Oakland A's in the playoffs, and the play last year against the Red Sox when he fell into the stands. These were terrific plays, plain and simple. But to say that the reason the Yankees win is because Derek Jeter does things like that is just silly talk. I'm not saying that every player would be able to make those plays; I just think that he was in the right place at the right time. You cheer him because his face came away bloody. That doesn't make the play any greater than it would have been if he had come away unscathed. My point is that the Yankees win because Derek Jeter is a very good baseball player."

And today, Joe wrote in his blog:

"To me, Derek Jeter isn’t a great player because he can rise to the occasion, because he has this sixth sense out there, and because he plays brilliant defense that is so subtle it does not show up in the statistics. No, he’s a great player because he gets on base, and he hits for some power, and he steals bases at a high percentage of success, and because he is extremely durable at a tough defensive position, and, if you want to get away from stats, because his teammates seem to like and admire him enough that they credit him for much of their own success. The power of the best baseball bloggers is that they try to pierce through vagueness and wave away myth and get at the heart of things. Sometimes, they do. Sometimes, they don’t. But, to a new generation of sports fans, it makes a lot more sense than saying: “This guy’s just a winner.”"

So, I'm right. I win. Good for me.

Anyway, my real purpose in writing today is to discuss Citi Field. I finally went for the first time last night, and I am literally in awe. I couldn't be happier with the way the new ballpark looks. It's like a cross between Citizens Bank Park and Camden Yards. Wow, there are just so many things I like about it. Pictures just don't do it justice; you have to see it for yourself. I'll go through a couple of highlights:

1. Clean bathrooms. This might be the best improvement of all of them. I mean it's like going to the bathroom at an airport instead of a public park.

2. Wide hallways. It was unbelievable. I literally walked from my seat to the garbage can and bathrooms without having to navigate through a thousand people (think Camden Yards).

3. Bars. Our seats were on the Excelsior Club level, which is pretty cool. Thanks BB. And there were actually nice bars with nice stools, and well-dressed bartenders, and a decent selection of drinks.

4. Modern appearance. I love the exposed scaffolding, piping, and rafters. Reminds me of my current office. And the bridge near center field is just outstanding.

5. HD TVs in the stands. I guess the biggest drawback to seeing a game in person has always been the lack of instant replays. Now they have TVs near the seats so you get to see replays of every play! Fantastic!

6. Outdoor activities. There's this whole area in center field that has carnival type booths, and fun things to do for fans (think Citizens Bank Park or a larger scale minor league park).

7. Fancy! We popped into the Caesar's Club just to check it out. Honestly, I couldn't even tell we were at a ballpark. We watched a couple of batters on an HDTV in the club while sitting on some couches. It really felt like we were at an airport or a casino. Amazing!

I'm so thrilled that I get to go watch Mets games at this stunning new park for the next 50 years. If only I were so thrilled about the actual team... Oh well; can't have everything all the time.

A Coupla New Ones

No need for any bells and/or whistles, az I'll just jump right into it.

My wife and I were driving back from Baltimore last night, and, as is usually the case, I went to the local lanes on the Jersey Turnpike when they split up. I go to the local lanes because all the moronic drivers out there (you know who you are) go to the express lanes, which leaves the local lanes nearly empty. The only drawbacks are the trucks, of which there are very few at certain hours, and the few miles of two-line driving. Az what happened during said miles of two-lane driving? Well, there was one car in each lane in front of me, each cruising at around 66 mph (speed limit is 65). And that was it; the car in the left lane was about six feet ahead of the car in the right lane, az there was no room to split the uprights. I must have followed them for about 5 miles getting more and more worked up. They both completely ignored my flashing lights and my horn; they probably had a good laugh over a few PBRs when they got back to their trailor homes and their trashy lumberjacking husbands. Now, I wasn't complaining terribly much, considering that I had set the over/under on our arrival at the GWB tolls at 11:07, and my wife, foolishly trusting in my driving skills, took the under, but it was the principal of the issue (we arrived at 11:13 in case you're keeping score)! It's just not cool to drive the speed limit in the left lane and then completely ignore the other drivers.

Now this one was just a funny thing I saw when I was getting a drink today. I noticed a new water product in the fridge at Duane Reade; it was called Water Street, and it had subway-line circles with the letters VH2O below the name. It's Vapor-distilled water, hence the "V." Okay, that's a pretty cool idea. It's New York, the subways, I get it. But there were SO many problems with the VH2O, that it was almost laughable. In fact, it WAS laughable. Here were the issues:

1. There are no H and O lines in the New York City subway system (in fact, only H, I, K, O, P, U, X, and Y are not in use (or in the works, like T)).

2. The 2 was correctly red, and the H and O were green and yellow, respectively, which is fine because they don't exist. But the V was blue! The V train exists! Why not make it orange like the actual V train?!

3. There IS no Water Street stop on any of the New York City subways.

The point is that it's a cute idea, but it was put into effect so poorly that I wouldn't be surprised if only tourists bought it. Hey, you never know; tourists might be their target market. No self-respecting New Yorker should ever be caught dead drinking one of those.

OMG No!

Before I forget this absolute insanity, it needs to be written down. I'm listening to Colin Cowherd on ESPN radio. Why? Because of stuff like this. He's talking about Derek Jeter getting caught stealing 3rd base last night with nobody out, and he says something like "Derek Jeter is the ____-iest player of the last 20 years, and nobody says that it's so bad to make the first out of the inning at 3rd base; only the last out."

Firstly, no, everyone says that making the first or last out of an inning at 3rd base is a cardinal sin of baseball. Anyway, then he gets corrected, that it is indeed conventional wisdom that you shouldn't make the first out at 3rd base, to which Cowherd responds "Oh, come on. Who says you shouldn't make the first out at 3rd base? There was nothing wrong with what Derek Jeter did last night. Who cares what anyone says? You're Derek Jeter; you do whatever you want." And furthermore, he continues to dig himself into a deeper hole, "...not only is it okay to steal 3rd with no outs, it's the BEST time to steal! Because nobody expects it!"

Fine. I guess it's human nature to not want to admit one's mistakes, especially in front of an audience of potentially hundreds of thousands. But the fact that he's saying it's okay because it was Derek Jeter just blows my mind. And then he continues to make even more ridiculous assertions! It's just insanity. Chaos even!

Colin, you are a pillar, nay, a bastion of wrongness. Derek Jeter, you are a fine baseball player. I don't care if you were tagged out or not. If you want to steal 3rd base with nobody out, you better be safe.

Just Throw Strikes

Okay, here's the situation. Mets are down to the Yankees 3-2 in the top of the 9th inning. The Yankees have the bases loaded thanks in part to another dropped pop-up, and there are two outs. The Yankees brought in Mariano Rivera with two outs in the 8th inning with two men on, and after fouling off several tough pitches in a row, Omir Santos watched a ball go right down the middle. Obviously. Anyway, because the Yankees want Rivera to pitch the 9th inning, they allow him to bat. Again, to recap, bases are loaded, Mets are down by one run, two outs in the top of the 9th inning. The Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez is facing Mariano Rivera, a man who has appeared in a batters box six times in his entire career. Now the obvious play is to throw three straight fastballs right down the middle. Odds are that Rivera, with all of his batting experience, will strike out or hit the ball weakly somewhere. But no, Frankie decides he's going to be cute and starts off throwing two balls. Now Rivera's not swinging because he's probably afraid he's going to hurt himself. I'm sure the Yankees would have been content to just have him watch three strikes go by and then go pitch. Then Frankie "fights" his way back to 2-2 and then throws two more balls. He walked the opposing pitcher with the bases loaded. He forced a run in. He actually allowed a pitcher with six career plate appearances to walk. Why on earth would you ever throw any balls to a relief pitcher in the American League? It's actually unconscionable. It's the most absurdly horrible thing I've ever seen a pitcher do. Now it probably won't matter in the least because Rivera will probably shut the Mets down in the 9th inning anyway, but that's not the point! Just threw three straight strikes down the middle and have done! That's it. I'm done. Enough. I'm disgusted.

Oh, and thanks for a correction in one of the comments. Rivera actually had just two plate appearances before today.

You Need to Let Me Know!

The late, great Mitchell Lee Hedberg zt"l once intoned: "I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man! Turns out they had a "HH" button. You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit."

Now this, as many of you would agree, is not an incredibly funny joke, nor is it particularly well delivered. But, the esteemed Mr. Hedberg's quotation is not without its merits.

Before I continue, let me just say that I have returned to a position where I will have significantly more downtime with which I can continue writing. Az for those of you who have been breathlessly waiting for my inevitable return, I bid you welcome.

Anyway, the point is that people are allowed to do whatever they want, but they should at least let us know what they're planning. There's totally allowed to be an HH button on the candy machine, just put a big ol' sign on there telling us NOT to hit the H button twice. You follow me? I'll give you a coupla examples:

One day two weeks ago I decided to drive down to work. On an average morning at about 8:15, it should take about 35-40 minutes to get from the RJC at 237th Street and Independence Avenue to West 14th Street and 9th Avenue. Az at about 8:31 I'm listening to the traffic report to see if there are any surprises on the Henry Hudson Parkway. Sounds like all's clear, az I stick with it. And then traffic starts to slow down. Traffic report still mentions nothing, az when I finally, 45 minutes later, get to around 50th Street, I see a three-car accident being cleared up. Now listen. It's fine if there's an accident; it happens, there's nothing you can do about it, right? But is it so difficult to just spend five seconds of the traffic report to tell us? It's SO easy. I mean what's the point of listening to the traffic report if they're going to ignore the ONE thing you need to hear about? So - incredibly - frustrating.

Here's another. Last night I was watching So You Think You Can Dance at my apartment, and we were about an hour behind because of working out and preparing for dinner. Az the DVR helped us catch up, az we finished the show only 10-15 minutes after the show actually ended. Meanwhile, I missed the Mets' 11-0 win over the Cardinals, az I wanted to see highlights on SportsCenter or Baseball Tonight on ESPN, but the College World Series was on, az I checked out the channel listings and saw that SportsCenter was on at 11. Fine. 11:00 rolls around, and it had a few extra minutes of College World Series. No biggie; it happens all the time with these live events. Az now I'm breathlessly awaiting SportsCenter and what comes on? Freakin' NBA Draft Preview! WTF?! Az now I'm thinking, "ok, it's just for the first few minutes of SportsCenter, and then they'll get back to all the baseball highlights," but NO, it went the full freakin' hour. And then, to turn insult to injury, they spent the first half hour of SportsCenter showing MORE NBA Draft coverage (didn't they just have an hour devoted to it??? WTF?!?!?!?!), MORE College World Series, and then a long segment on the US soccer team beating the Spanish. Seriously, WHO THE F**K CARES about the College World Series and international soccer? I mean yes, some people do care, but those segments should be relegated to later on in the hour. Put the real, professional American sports first. Fine. I get it. The point is that the channel listings showed that SportsCenter was on from 11-12, and yet they broadcasted the NBA Draft preview. It's fine if you want to have such a preview, but you have to let us know that you're doing it! And it's not like it was breaking news and they didn't have time to inform the cable company to change their listing. The NBA Draft has been on the schedule for a year! It's so easy. All you have to do is tell us what you're planning.

Sorry if I'm a bit rusty; it's been a while. At least I have the semi-colon stuff still rollin'.

Fluke

I'm not actually back, I just heard some good stuff on the radio a couple of days ago. There's all this jazz going on about Citigroup owning the naming rights to the new Mets ballpark, and how they have no right to spend $400,000,000 in sponsorship money if they got bailed out by the government. Anyway, that was just the backdrop for the fun discussion. Michael Kay was saying that Citi Field is the perfect name for the stadium. He's had enough of these corporate sounding names like "Minute Maid Park" or "US Cellular Field." He said that when the San Francisco Giants (who used to be the New York Giants and played at the Polo Grounds) were building a new park, the owner called up Ralph Lauren to ask him to sponsor the stadium so that they could call it the Polo Grounds (get it? Ralph Lauren? Polo?). Anyway, the deal fell through, but it was a great idea. Then he was saying that the Jets and Giants were trying to get Jet Blue to sponsor their new stadium an the Meadowlands. Wouldn't that be awesome? Jet Blue Stadium? I was in shock at how amazing an idea that was. Whatever, just thought I'd share.