Metric System

Now, I've come to grips with the fact that we stupid Americans refuse to change over to the metric system. It just makes so much more sense. Whatever, we're allowed to be pompous. But here's my question. Why does soda come in bottles in liter increments and why do milk and orange juice come in cartons or bottles in quart/gallon increments? Seriously, today at the third meal, I was looking at a 2-liter bottle of Sunny-D (no, not soda or purple stuff) and right on the label it said 2-liters and in parentheses 2.1 quarts. I understand that such beverages need to come in plastic bottles with twist-off caps because their carbonation needs to be preserved, but what would be the big problem with having quart bottles or gallon bottles? If 2-liters and two quarts are almost the same quantity, shouldn't there just be one standard? If someone can explain this to me, I would be in his or her debt.

Maniacal

What's wrong with the word "maniacal?" It's as fine a word as any other, yet I've been questioned about both its meaning and its existence. But what's so confusing about the word "maniacal?" It's merely the adjective form of the noun "maniac." That's not to say that I hear the word used all the time, but it's still 100% valid. My usage of said word dates back to my childhood when I was a big fan of the movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Now, I'm still a big fan of the movie, but I was then too. Anyway, at one point, when Judge Doom is chasing down Eddie Valiant, he empties a barrel-full of the dip, his patented toon-killing concoction, onto the road right in front of where Eddie is passing by in the toon-cab Benny. Benny's tires get damaged by the dip and he ends up crashing into a pole. The judge mercilessly makes his point by saying, "What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road, especially when driving in a maniacal toon vehicle." Christopher Lloyd's voice is just perfect for this role. So I'mma keep using the word "maniacal." Preeeow.

Another Words

Wow, I'm going for the trifecta today. Good for me. The only reason I had so much time to blog today is that I was up $352 at about 10:00, and then proceeded to lose $230 of it about $20 at a time for the next two hours. I then decided to stop trading for the day. Next time you see me, give me a hug, unless you're a girl. (At this point I should say something inappropriate like, "...unless you're a girl, in which case nothing less than a reached-on-error will suffice," but I won't. I'm strong willed) Anywhosie, I realize that I never explained the whole "another words" phenomenon. Once again allow me to call upon the services of our friendly neighborhood, red-masked, multi-purpose criminal element, Strong Bad. In e-mail numbo 122, Danny asks him what he looks for in an e-mail. "Another words, describe that dream e-mail that you would like to recieve one day." Now, Strong Bad disappointed me by not correcting Danny's spelling of the word "recieve;" as we all know, Strong Bad is almost as maniacal about spelling and grammar as I am. Anyway, Strong Bad responds with a ridiculous fishing metaphor involving the many e-mail fish out there in the e-mail sea, and then finally makes fun of "another words" a-like-a-this-a: "Another words, please allow me to ditch the fishing metaphor and hit you with the pink border." Hence, instead of using "in other words" like a normal human being, I choose to use "another words."

Garden State

So, after many months of being E-Z Pass-less, I finally rejoined my 21st century brethren in the, uh, 21st century and received the magical plastic box 'o fun in the mail yesterday. Now, most of the time when I drive I usually try to avoid paying tolls because I'm a cheap Jew, and also I don't always have enough cash on me. But sometimes you can't avoid paying a toll, like when you go to New Jersey, but other times it's just so inconvenient to take the toll-less route, you resign yourself to paying the $4.50 for the Throgs Neck or some such similarly named monstrosity. However, the situation in which I am most excited to use E-Z Pass is for my occasional trip to Atlantic City. I've driven to Atlantic city twice over the past eight months, and driving on the Garden State Parkway without E-Z-Pass is like trying to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver. Another words, I'd rather shoot myself in the face repeatedly. Here's what I'm talking about. The New Jersey Turnpike, a noble road if ever there was one, operates with the silky-smooth precision of a five-bladed shaver. You enter onto it, you collect a ticket if you don't have E-Z Pass, you drive on it for as long as you like, and then you pay a toll when you exit corresponding to how long you drove on it. The Garden State Parkway, however, is still living in the good ol' 20th century. If you don't have E-Z Pass, roughly every ten miles or so you need to pay another $0.35 or $0.45 or $0.70 toll. Notice that you need at least two types of coins to pay for each toll. It would be far more simple if they made all the tolls in multiples of $0.25. Another words, if you don't have E-Z Pass, plan to bring a roll of quarters and a roll of dimes, and a stout piece of wood to put between your teeth so you don't bite off your own tongue while in the throes of another hydrophobic seizure brought about by chronic toll-paying. Hurrah for E-Z Pass. The velcro that comes with it is pretty cool too. I wish I could still get away with wearing velcro sneakers. I wonder if the velcro guy is worth as much as the aglet guy. This will require some investigation.

Reactions to The Grammar Post

A friend has just gotten through telling me that he was entertaining himself with my delightful blog. A few minutes later he told me that he thinks I should write a grammar book. To this I replied that I don't want to write a textbook because I would be unable to take advantage of the treasury of words English has made available to us. He responded that he was thinking more along the lines of the British best-seller, "Eats, Shoots & Leaves." Now, I have been planning to write the great fantasy novel for the past couple of years; I just haven't gotten around to it yet. So, I thought about my friend's suggestion and came to the following conclusion. It's highly likely that I don't know nearly as much about grammar as I think I do. If I ever read "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" I would probably learn a lot more. But then I would probably start correcting people even more than I do already. My friend says that I would become intolerable. I couldn't tolerate being intolerable. If I was really such a stickler, I wouldn't be using words such as "gonna" or "wanna" in here. I also wouldn't be using contractions; those just aren't allowed when you're writing. And then we'd start getting into arguments about punctuation, because sometimes Microsoft Word, the Messiah of grammar, allows you to comma splice when you really shouldn't be allowed. It will also let you get away with only putting one space after periods. But, oddly enough, it won't let you get away with not putting a comma before "which" when it's used as a conjunction. Bill might be a multi-kajillionnaire, but to me he's just a maniacally inconsistent grammar fiend.

On that note, by the way, just two more grammatical tidbits to get you all off the edge of your seats; I know how breathlessly you were waiting for some more.
1. When you're typing numbers, you need to type out the actual word for all numbers from zero up to twelve. Once you get to 13 you are allowed to type the numerals. And just so y'all understand the difference, the numeral "3" is merely a symbol representing the quantity "three." That's not a grammatical issue; it's a math issue.
2. The last sentence of that last tidbit provides a smooth segue into the next one. I really like using semi-colons, but they need to be used the right way. You can't merely replace a comma or a period with a semi-colon. I mean you can't have a semi-colon immediately succeeded by a conjunction. You could, in theory and in practice, put a period instead of a semi-colon, but semi-colons are far cooler. Just make sure that your second sentence is directly related to the first one; I like cheese.

Please allow me, once again, to recognize the gadlus of Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN radio. Some of the things they say really do it for me even though they might not be objectively funny. This is a fairly recent one that caught on, and they're using it fairly often, but not nearly often enough to become annoying. There has been a lot of discussion over the past year or two about the future of Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packers' quarterback, who, much like Tom Glavine, is a sure-fire first-ballot Hall of Famer. Basically, the coaches and various important members of the Packers' front office have stated at one time or another that they won't pressure Favre to retire unless he's really damaging the team. After all, "Brett Favre is Brett Favre." Mike and Mike have used this line repeatedly, which coaches make similar comments about other players. They were discussing the propensity of San Francisco 49ers quarterback Alex Smith to make mistakes in important situations. Of course he is a young player and will learn from his mistakes, but just as they were finishing the discussion, Greenberg said "after all, Alex Smith is Alex Smith, and..." and immediately after that, they played a clip of the Packers' coach saying "Brett Favre is Brett Favre." That's terrific stuff. I wish I were this clever.

Grammatical Pet-Peeves

I know everyone makes a big deal about my correcting their grammar, but seriously, inasmuch as they went out of their way to make English the most difficult language ever, we might as well repay their magnanimity by speaking it properly. And plus, it really pisses off the British when we try to do it the right way. So here's a few of my grammatical pet-peeves. They're denturific!
1. At what point in our relatively short history did we quit using adverbs? They should be a viable option when it comes to the parts of speech. The only one anybody still uses on a consistent basis is "very," and that's really the least impressive one. Not only that, but people also replace adverbs with adjectives, like "you're driving too fast!" No, I'm not; I'm driving too quickly.
2. Here's a huge one. People need need NEED to start using the word "fewer." The word "less" can only be used to describe a substance lacking in number. Par example, "you have less water than I do," but "I have fewer bottles of water than you do." "My brother has less hair than I do." "He has fewer hairs on his head than I do." It's really quite simple.
3. Everyone knows how I feel about this one. You absolutely cannot end a clause with a preposition. This is entirely inappropriate. As the great Benson & Hedges, Nextel Cup Churchill once said, "this is the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put." People screw this up so so so often (there were 3 adverbs in that sentence; they were all the word "so."). Just fix your sentences, my friends. It's really not that hard once you get used to it.
4. This one doesn't make any sense at all. The space for neologism in this language should not be filled with foolishness like the word "'nother." As in, "that's a whole 'nother story." You are allowed to say "that's a whole other story," or "that's an entirely different story." What's the big freakin' deal?!
Ok, these other ones have to do with writing and typing, but they're still really bad.
5. This one is more a still up for debate, but I'm taking a stand, like the X-Men. Whenever you type a period at the end of a sentence, you absolutely must put two spaces after it. One space just won't suffice. Even though it doesn't appear that way in my blog, since the website fixes things the way it wants to, I always have two spaces after my periods. ALWAYS. In this case, as in all cases, less is not more. Even fewer isn't more. More is more.
6. The English language has a magical word called "which." It can be used as a question; "Which way did he go?" It can also be used conjuction style, which is the one which troubles me (the second one there was a pronoun). It gives me conjunctivitis whenever I read a sentence which contains "which" as a conjunction when it is not immediately preceded by a comma, which is necessary.
6. This one is really a no-brainer, but it's still all over the place. Allow me to transcribe a ditty from the inimitable Dr. Bad's e-mail #89 entitled "Local News." In response to Dan's question, Bad sings, "If you want it to be possessive, it's just "I-T-S." But, if it's supposed to be a contraction then it's "I-T-apostrophe-S," scalawag." That pretty much says it all.
Please my friends; I wouldn't ask you to fix these things if I didn't have faith that you could. Pardon me whilst I go bring maaser sheni.

Regularly Scheduled Programming

We don't need to discuss it. There is no need for it. At the end of the day G-d's game is just that, a game. I can now turn my attention to other, far more important things. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress......deal with revolving doors? Do they truly revolve? Let me ask you a question. What does this island Earth do? Yes, it rotates about its axis and it revolves around the sun. So, in reality, a revolving door doesn't exactly revolve. The door rotates about its hub, from which the spokes (read: doors) extend, and the person going through the door happens to be the thing revolving. So, in truth, what we call a revolving door is really a rotating door. The door doesn't revolve, we do. However, I'm going to keep referring to it as a revolving door just so that people don't think I'm a raving lunatic. Oh, how wrong they are.One more thing. I just had a conversation with my friend about hotcakes. I told her I'd better get there quickly or else there would be no cinnamon buns left. Those things would go like hotcakes. But what the hell are hotcakes? When you enter "hotcake" into the Wikipedia search, it redirects you to the column on pancakes. This is a completely unsatisfactory answer. As our esteemed Mitchell Hedberg says: "As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end, you're f**king sick of 'em." Believe you me (whatever that idiotic idiom means), I never get f**king sick of cinnamon buns. Even after a whole box of those Entenmann's Super Cinnamons, which have like a whole week's worth of calories, I still want more. Lemme see if I can dig up some info on these magical morsels of moistness we call "hotcakes." So, after a very cursory inspection of fewer than four websites, here's what I came up with. Er, here's with what I came up. Er, umm, here's what I found. Hotcakes is the name of a bakery/cafe in Charlottesville, Virginia. I don't think that's what they meant, when they came up with that expression. So, Hotcakes is also the name of a small internet company from New Zealand, which helps other small businesses put up simple websites. You can see their state-of-the-art page here: http://www.hotcakes.co.nz/. Here we go, I think this it. Hotcakes is the name of band from Austin, Texas. They've been around since the '60s, and there's a one in ten chance that the expression "sell like hotcakes" was invented in that decade, ignoring, of course, the century. This is something I choose to do from time to time. So, there you have it folks. Those hotcakes might go gold, but if I get my way, and I almost always do, those cinnamon buns will go platinum.

Game 7

First of all, not to toot my own horn, or pat myself on the back, or tie my own shoes, or make my own bed, or wipe my own @$$, a la Big Daddy, or alley my own oop, or march to the beat of my own drum, or anything, but I'd be a way better sportscaster than Tim McCarver or Joe Buck. I used to love Timmy Mac back when he was announcing for the Mets, and I went ballistic when he was replaced by Tom Seaver. That guy shouldn't quit his day job, whatever it is. Tim, however, is just a shell of his former self. Hell, I'd be down on myself too if I had to play second fiddle to Joe "I wish I were Jack Jr." Buck. Anway, the reason I say that I'm better than they are is that on at least three separate occasions during the game last night I pre-empted something that one or the other of them said. I predicted which relief pitchers they would bring in based on who was warming up and who was coming to bat. I predicted who would be intentionally walked and when they'd bring in the new pitcher. And the only tool I had was what was shown on the TV screen, and my challah-roll sized brain. I'm in the wrong business.

Anyway, tachlis. Tonight is game 7 of the NLCS. The term "Game 7" has taken on a life of its own. Game 7 is like the last day of finals when you're still in school. You haven't showered in 6 days, there's trash around because you're too busy to clean up, and you sorta lose track of the time and the date. The only difference is instead of the 17 empty beer bottles around the uh, recycling area, aka the general floor area between my desk and the couch, they would be empty coke bottles. With this in mind, I'd like to share my thoughts on what will happen tonight, IMHO.

As I was reminded earlier today, Oliver Perez, the Mets' starting pitcher, who had a 3-13 record this year, will have the worst record of any NL pitcher starting a game 7 ever. Here is how, I believe, events will unfold. Perez will pitch no more than 4 innings tonight. He will walk 3, strikeout 4 and give up one home run to Albert Pujols. Now, let's turn to Jeff Suppan, the Cardinals' pitcher tonight. He was lights out in game 3 in St. Louis, but let's look at the stats. He had a 3.18 ERA at home and a 5.36 ERA on the road. This one doesn't really make a difference to me, but it's something I noticed: In day games, he had a 3.36 ERA, and in night games he had a 4.62 ERA. Chances are he won't be nearly as dominant as he was on Saturday night. I think both pitchers will be on a very short leash, and the instant they get into trouble their respective nights will be over. Suppan will give up 3 runs in 5 innings. After 5 innings, the Mets will be leading 3-1. I'mma go ahead and predict that the final score will be the same as last night: 4-2 Mets. Reyes will be 2-4 with a stolen base and 2 runs scored. Lo Duca will be 1-3 with a sac bunt. Beltran, Delgado and Wright will each have at least one RBI. Of course, I could be totally off and it'll be a slugfest. Either way, I hope I make it out of this alive.

Poo-holes

Since my Mets finally played a game last night, I can share some of my thoughts. So I tuned in to Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN radio, quite possibly the best sports talk show in the entire universe. I like to think of myself as a cross between Greenberg and Golic; on the one hand I would love to talk sports, watch football, eat sumo-burgers and get fat all day, and generally be macho, but on the other I like to wear pink shirts and generally be in touch with my feminine side. Anyway, they said that Albert Pujols reportedly expressed that he was unimpressed with the Mets and that Tom Glavine did not pitch well. Granted, St. Louis did hit some balls hard and came up empty, but for Pujols, arguably the game's best hitter and all-around nice guy, to say such things seems entirely out of character. Pujols might just be the best thing Major League Baseball has going for it. In an era where every player who hits a home run is suspected of engaging in foul play, e.g. steroids, HGH, etc., Pujols is as pure as pure can get. He is the consummate athlete; he plays hard, hits monstrous home runs, gets on base every other at bat, and he is even a devout Catholic. I understand that he was frustrated with the loss, especially since his hard liner to lead off the 9th inning against Billy Wagner was snared by Carlos Delgado. But as an ambassador to the game, and a role model for millions, he needs to watch what he says, especially when referring to one of the top 10, maybe top 5 left-handed pitchers of all time and a surefire first-ballot hall of famer. He should just eat his pride and admit that Glavine pitched a helluva ballgame and come back tomorrow and let his bat do the talking.

A Funny Anecdote and Thoughts About Brand Names et al

So yesterday I was picking my friend up from her apartment, and it was raining lemurs and caribous. I pulled up there facing south on Overlook Terrace blocking the southbound lane such that anyone wishing to continue south would have to pass me in the northbound lane, which is standard practice in that neighborhood. Anyway, a woman in another car coming northbound pulled up right next to my car facing the opposite direction, thereby blocking the street. Then a gypsy cab came along wishing to proceed northbound, so I lowered my window, got the woman's attention and, well, here's what went down:
Me: "Would you please move so that the other car can get by?"
Her: "You move!"
Me: "Well, I was here first."
Her: "Well, I'm a girl."
So, being the non-confrontational sort, I politely pulled up about 20 feet ahead, however everyone in the car with me, girl included, agreed that you should never waste an "I'm a girl" card on something as foolish as that. And then my friend got 20 feet wetter because I had to move. Just not a cool move.

It has occurred to me that I sometimes describe a certain generic product by its most popular brand name. You know that a particular brand has cornered the market when everyone refers to any product of that type by it's brand name. For example, last night my friend gestured toward an SUV and asked me who's Jeep it was. Although it was clearly a Ford Explorer or something, maybe a Honda CR-V. Sorry, it was dark and I was too busy getting wet to notice. Either way, it certainly wasn't a Jeep. Currently, I can only think of three other products to which this phenomenon applies. One of these is Kleenex. That one wasn't so obvious because I grew up calling them "tissues." The really obvious one to me is Band-Aid. To this day, I'll go ask my father where the Band-Aids are. To me, a bandage is like an Ace bandage, not one of those sticky guys you put on your cuts along with the Neo. My brother has reminded me of the Xerox machine. You will often find people who will ask you to "Xerox" something for them instead of using your trusty, somewhat dusty Canon copier, or even the dark horse Ricoh model. I also thought of Q-tips. I have never in my life referred to them as "cotton swabs," nor will I ever. I wonder how much the Q-tip guy is worth? I wonder if they have a stock I can buy? There's no way he's worth as much as the aglet guy though. He makes money on every shoelace ever made. For those of you who don't know what an aglet is, it's the plastic cylinder on the end of your shoelaces, which makes it easier to put the lace through the holes in your shoes. I need to get out more.

A Few More Thoughts About a Few More Things

So, I was reading Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy's article today on ESPN.com, and before the football season started, he assigned his lovely wife, the Sports Gal, to pick the winners against the spread for each football game so that he could know if someone who knows very little about sports could do a better job than him. In exchange, he agreed to let her write a short column inside of his football column each week. Just to keep you updated, The Sports Gal is 35-23-2, and the Sports Guy is 29-29-2. But she said the funniest thing in her column today. She said that they had to get a second phone line in their house just for Hench's phone calls, because he would call all the time to talk about their fantasy baseball team. She claims that Hench and Bill refer to that phone as the "Bat Phone." That cracks me up.

Something else. As a Mets fan, Ocbober is a very hard month. When you're a Yankees fan, and you get to watch them in the playoffs every year it just seems like an extension of the season, so it's only slightly more nerve-wracking than the rest of the year. But for us, this month is impossible. Every pitch makes you sweat. If your pitcher throws a strike you celebrate like you just won the World Series, but if he throws a ball you cry like you just lost it. The last time my team was in the playoffs was 6 years ago, so now I'm 6 years closer to dying from my first heart-attack or brain aneurysm. I need to ask some Yankee fans for their advice on how to cope with this. I promise you that I will not be able to sleep tomorrow night because the Mets will be playing and I won't be able to watch. My hosts might as well just bring the newspaper up to my room the instant it gets delivered and wake me up by rolling it up and smacking me upside the head with it.

More. I think when I'm talking or writing about things that are happening "today" or "tonight," in order to better emphasize the importance of my words, I should replace "today" with "this day" and "tonight" with "this night." Watch how much how much better this reads: "The Mets are destined to win on this night." That's so much more dramatic than "The Mets are destined to win tonight." The latter makes me sound like a fan who can only name half of their starting lineup, while the former makes me sound like veteran sports caster. Please remind me to do this, but if it gets annoying, please ask me to stop.

A few thoughts about Sukkot, my favorite holiday. I realized that Sukkot is my favorite holiday for several reasons. Even though you might not want to hear them, I'm going to share them with you anyway. This is my blog, and I can do whatever I want, so tough! Anyway, this is the only holiday I can think of where you are actually holding onto objects while you pray, excluding the prayer-book of course. I really feel like I concentrate better while I'm praying when I'm holding onto something, especially something like a lulav. I hate to use meaningless metaphors, but I feel it's like an antenna broadcasting my prayers to the radio in the celestial family room. I get to shake it at times, and at other times I can just hold it close to my body while all of us in synagogue are singing our prayers aloud. Now, I'm very particular about which Lulav I pick, which is really fortunate because most of the judaica stores sell their Lulav and Etrog sets based on the beauty and condition of the Etrog. I try to get a small Lulav if I can, and if it still has the brown jazz towards the top of it, which holds the "leaves" together, then that's even better. So, if you need to borrow my Lulav and Etrog this week, please don't shake it around like a grogger. It is a holy item and should be shown due respect. Anyway, I also like Sukkot because the theme is futuristic. We pretend that the Sukkah is covered with the skin of the Leviathan, which will be eaten by the sages at the end of days. I really appreciate that sort of stuff.

Okay, that's all. Thinking about the holiday has gotten me in a good mood, so I know it will be a good one. Plus, I bought some nice Scotch. I deserve it.

Derek Jeter

I didn't want it to come to this, but I have been forced by the abundance of fools out there to do an ongoing playoff commentary. This morning's subject is the incomparable, immortal, too good for his own good, the Yankee captain, the one and only, Derek Sanderson Jeter. I intend to set the record straight in terms of how I feel about his performance on the field of play, i.e. the only place where things matter. Without further adieu, let's begin.

Derek Jeter is a top MVP candidate in the American League this year. He had, at the very worst, the 2nd best season of his career. I would like to compare his statistics to a few other players, some of whom are also viable MVP candidates.

Jeter: .343 AVG, 118 Runs, 214 Hits, 97 RBI, 39 2B, 3 3B, 14 HR, 102 Ks, 69 BBs, 34 SB, .417 OBP, .483 SLG, .900 OPS

Ortiz: .287 AVG, 115 Runs, 160 Hits, 137 RBI, 29 2B, 2 3B, 54 HR, 117 Ks, 119 BBs, 1 SB, .413 OBP, .636 SLG, 1.049 OPS

Dye: .315 AVG, 103 Runs, 170 Hits, 120 RBI, 27 2B, 3 3B, 44 HR, 118 Ks, 59 BBs, 7 SB, .385 OBP, .622 SLG, 1.007 OPS

Mauer: .347 AVG, 86 Runs, 181 Hits, 84 RBI, 36 2B, 4 3B, 13 HR, 54 Ks, 79 BBs, 8 SB, .429 OBP, .507 SLG, .936 OPS

Morneau: .321 AVG, 97 Runs, 190 Hits, 130 RBI, 37 2B, 1 3B, 34 HR, 93 Ks, 53 BBs, 3 SB, .375 OBP, .507 SLG, .934 OPS

Rodriguez: .290 AVG, 113 Runs, 166 Hits, 121 RBI, 26 2B, 1 3B, 35 HR, 139 Ks, 90 BBs, 15 SB, .392 OBP, .523 SLG, .915 OPS

What can we glean from this? It seems that Derek Jeter does a little bit of everything. 97 RBI from the 2 hole is very impressive, although not surprising considering Robinson Cano and Johnny Damon got on base all the time. He hits for average as well as Mauer, he has more hits than all of them, strikes out a bit much and doesn't walk as much, but that's mostly because they can't pitch around him because of who bats behind him.
Now we'll look at one of the more popular new-fangled stats out there. VORP stands for Value Over Replacement Player. This statistic shows how much more valuable a player is than the average bench player in terms of how much run production he adds to his team. Without going through all the calculations, it was determined on baseballprospectus.com, that Jeter's VORP for the season was 79.2. In other words, Jeter is worth around 79 more runs per season than, say, Miguel Cairo. 79.2 was the 4th highest VORP in the league behind Albert Pujols (86.6), Ryan Howard (81.3), and Travis Hafner (80.4).
So, what have we determined? Jeter is a great player. We'll say more about him soon.

On the cover of the most recent issue of ESPN the Magazine sits Jose Reyes. They argue that Reyes might be the best shortstop in New York. Truth be told, I find it unfair to compare the two of them, because Jeter has been great for over a decade now, and Reyes is only 23. But, because it's fun, let's compare them anyway. Again:

Jeter: .343 AVG, 118 Runs, 214 Hits, 97 RBI, 39 2B, 3 3B, 14 HR, 102 Ks, 69 BBs, 34 SB, .417 OBP, .483 SLG, .900 OPS in 623 ABs

Reyes: .300 AVG, 122 Runs, 194 Hits, 81 RBI, 30 2B, 17 3B, 19 HR, 81 Ks, 53 BBs, 64 SB, .354 OBP, .487 SLG, .841 OPS in 647 ABs

Jeter is clearly a more experienced hitter, since he has 16 more BBs in 24 fewer at bats. Again, 97 RBI from the 2 hole is extremely impressive, but I would venture to say that 81 RBI from the leadoff spot on a National League team with the pitcher batting 9th is even more impressive. Reyes's improvement over last year in every statistical category is almost mind-boggling: 23 more Runs, 4 more hits, 6 more doubles, the same amount of triples (first guy to hit 17 triples in two straight seasons in the last half century), 12 more HRs, 23 more RBI, a frightening 26 more walks, 4 more stolen bases, .27 higher batting average, an absurd .54 higher OBP, and an astounding .101 higher SLG, giving him .155 higher OPS.

My point is this: Right now, Derek Jeter is a better shortstop. If I could trade Jose Reyes for Derek Jeter just for the playoffs, I think I would. I'm not one of these morons who says, "oh, he has a very high ceiling...tremendous upside, etc." Even if Reyes puts up the same numbers for the next 15 years, he's a Hall of Famer. He probably will continue to improve, but for this discussion it's irrelevent. Derek Jeter is better right now. Period.

At this point I want to call attention to his play last night. 5 for 5 with a home run, 3 runs scored and an RBI was a performance for the ages. I heard it was the 6th time a player has ever had 5 hits in a playoff game. The Yankees won last night largely because of Jeter's play. Not, I repeat, NOT because he's Captain Intangibles. Joe Morgan, Tim McCarver, Michael Kay, and all their smelly brethren do nothing but insult their hero Jeter when they refer to him as such. As a math guy, the only thing I look for to determine a player's value is his play on the field. Jeter's numbers speak for themselves. For him to be called Captain Intangibles means that there is something lacking in his baseball skills. I want to call your attention to two plays, which fans/commentators always enjoy mentioning; the flip to Posada that Jeter made on Jeremy Giambi against the Oakland A's in the playoffs, and the play last year against the Red Sox when he fell into the stands. These were terrific plays, plain and simple. But to say that the reason the Yankees win is because Derek Jeter does things like that is just silly talk. I'm not saying that every player would be able to make those plays; I just think that he was in the right place at the right time. You cheer him because his face came away bloody. That doesn't make the play any greater than it would have been if he had come away unscathed. My point is that the Yankees win because Derek Jeter is a very good baseball player. As for Reyes, we'll check back in a few years and see how he's doing. But for now, Derek Jeter is the king of New York.

Playoffs

There are a few things about which I know a lot. Many of these things are, in the grand scheme of things, useless. Such as the ability to solve a Rubik's cube, or being able to determine the day of the week for any date. Another one of these things is baseball. And now, for the first time in 6 years, my team is in the playoffs, the mighty Metropolitans of the city, state, but not county, of New York. Many people with whom I have spoken have wagered against the Mets in their first round matchup against the Los Angeles Dodgers, especially since their #1 pitcher Pedro Martinez has been left off of the postseason roster due to injury. There are those of you who say that the Mets have no pitching. To all you nay-sayers, I have these thoughts:

The Mets named Orlando Hernandez as their #1 postseason pitcher: His stats over his last 6 starts are as follows:
6 IP, 5 H, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 1 BB
5.1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER. 4 Ks, 6 BB
7 IP, 4 H, 1 ER, 6 K, 1 BB
7 IP, 6 H, 2 ER, 7 K. 1 BB
7 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 8 K, 1BB
5 IP, 3 H, 0 ER, 9 K, 5 BB

For an ERA of 1.70, a WHIP of 1.07, and 42 Ks in 37.1 innings
Just for argument's sake, let's compare his stats to the leading AL Cy Young Award candidate, Johan Santana's stats over his last 5 starts.
Hernandez: 37.1 IP, 1.70 ERA, 1.07 WHIP, 42 Ks, 15 BBs
Santana: 35.1 IP, 1.78 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, 38 Ks, 7 BBs

Now, let's discuss Hernandez's postseason statistics for his Major League career. Over the past 8 seasons, he has appeared in the postseason 7 times and has pitched 106 innings. He has compiled a 9-3 record with a 2.55 ERA. He has also struck out 107 batters in those 106 innings.

I'm not saying he's the greatest pitcher of all time; I'm just saying you could do far worse with your starting pitcher for the first game of the playoffs.

Now, let's discuss the bullpens. Steve Trachsel, the Mets 4th starter has been the beneficiary of timely hitting and a solid bullpen during the season. He sported a pedestrian 4.97 ERA, but with a record of 15-8. In other words, if the Mets can get through 5-6 innings with the lead, they have a very good chance of winning. Their bullpen record stands at 32-15 with 43 saves. They also have the 2nd best ERA in all of baseball, at 3.28. The only team with a better bullpen ERA is the Minnesota Twins at 2.91. What I am trying to say here is that the starting pitching doesn't need to be spectacular and lights out for the Mets to have a good chance to win.

Now, let's discuss the New York Mets as a whole. The key dates, which I'll be using here are August 9th and September 18th. August 9th is the date of Pedro Martinez's last healthy start. Between August 10th and September 18th, Pedro pitched twice and lost both decisions while pitching horribly. September 18th is the date the Mets clinched the National League East division. Anything that happened afterwards was, for all intents and purposes, meaningless. The Mets played 37 games during that span and posted a 23-14 record. Even if we include Pedro's two starts, only one team in baseball has a better record over that span. The Oakland A's won 24 against 11 losses during that span. Every other team to whom they are worth comparing have worse records, including the mighty Yankees (24-16), the red-hot Minnesota Twins (21-15), the upstart Tigers (14-22), and their first round opponent, the Los Angeles Dodgers (21-15).

These are my thoughts going into the postseason. Am I concerned about the Dodgers? Yes. Am I overly concerned about the Dodgers? No. Am I concerned about any 2nd round team in a 7-game series? No. Would I be surprised if they steam-rolled their way into the World Series? Absolutely not.

Now I'll make like the Sports Guy and submit my playoff picks.

NLDS: Mets over Dodgers 3-1
Cardinals over Padres 3-1
ALDS: Yankees over Tigers 3-0
Twins over A's 3-2
NLCS: Mets over Cardinals 4-1
ALCS: Yankees over Twins 4-2

I hesitate to pick a World Series winnner, so I won't. I'll just leave that one up to the man upstairs. Thanks for reading, everyone. I mean, thanks for writing, Schmutter.