Questions

Firstly, the first anniversary of my blog came and went without much fanfare last Thursday. Happy Birthday Schmuttblog! I didn't think you'd make it.

Anyway, I have noticed that there are certain questions people ask you, which are absolutely not fair. When people ask you these questions, they already assume that they know the answer, and no matter what your response is, they'll never change their minds, despite all anecdotal evidence to the contrary.

This one is an obvious one, and only applies when a woman is asking you: "Do you think I'm fat?" Never EVER answer this question. If you say "yes" then you're obviously a huge jerk and have absolutely earned a non-derech chiba smack in the face. But if you say "no," often times you'll be accused of lying and then you're in trouble because not only do you think she's fat, but also you lied to her face. See, women who ask you this ALWAYS think they're fat. Best to avoid answering this question if possible using one of the standard evasion methods: pretend you have a phone call, pretend you didn't hear the question, or pretend you need to use the bathroom.

The other two questions can come from members of either gender. The reason I bring up this discussion is because I had to deal with this question numerous times last night at my friend's wedding. "Have you had too much to drink?" Now, to be fair, I have developed a bit of a reputation as someone who enjoys a scotch from time to time, which is absolutely true, but I'm also an extremely responsible driver, az I feel completely confident that having one drink over a five hour span will not affect my driving. But someone who asks me that automatically assumes that I've had too much to drink and I'm only saying that I haven't because I want to be able to drive. Implying that someone has had too much to drink can be extremely offensive because there's no way to convince them otherwise. If you've been drinking, then unless you're completely plastered you won't admit that you're drunk. Feh!

This last one is a bit more innocuous, but can still be irritating: "do you like that girl?" As I said earlier, no one is asking you this question unless they think the answer is "yes." Now, if you say "yes" then you don't even get any credit for correctly responding, because the one who asked you will say something like "hah! I knew it!" and then act like it was his/her idea all along. But if you say "no," then the asker will say something like "okay, whatever you say..." and walk away smiling because he/she's positive you're lying. And then the only thing you can do is stand there, roll your eyes, turn your face up to shamayim and ask "why me?"

Tell me I'm wrong.